to love is to be vulnerable

i go to a class almost every wednesday night called education for ministry, efm for short. i think it should be called education for life instead of ministry. it is a rather hard class to explain because any explanation minimizes what we actually do in class.

we sit around an octagonal table and listen to each other. we listen to our hopes, fears, laugh at each other, sing songs, sit in silence and recognize the divinity in each of us. it is one of the most life giving groups i have ever been a part of.

we talk about war, devastation, redemption, hope, love, jesus, economic crisis, marriage, divorce, relationships, gandhi, civil rights, our jobs, our callings, bob marley and just about anything else you can think of. it is challenging and thought provoking and calls me into my own divinity.

it makes me accountable to my own divinity.

yesterday we got into a discussion about what it really means to love and to be loved. in some of the reading we did there was the following quote from C.S. Lewis. i am amazed at the clarity and truth of this quote.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in a casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell."

stepping outside the certain stigmas and confines that words like damnation, love, heaven, and hell hold, i would say this statement rings true of what happens when we are paralyzed by the fear of being broken- being separated from that which brings wholeness.

brokenness bringing wholeness. now there is a thought.

the splendor of the grand canyon

my cousins from kansas came to visit and on monday we went to the grand canyon. friends i tell you that it doesn't matter how many times i go to the grand canyon, it never ceases to amaze me. i have maybe gone a good twenty or more times to the canyon and i always see something new or different.

this time we drove around the south rim and did all the regular stuff and then headed out the east rim. i had never been to desert view before but the watchtower was amazing and the east rim gives a view of the length of the canyon instead of it's width.

breathtaking.

the cloudy day was perfect for viewing the colors. they weren't too washed out. i love the reds, grays, oranges, browns, yellows, blues, and greens of the canyon. despite all that is going on in this crazy mixed up materialistic world, the canyon reminds me that change is inevitable, whether slow or fast. change happens. and i always have a choice as to whether i will embrace change or not. i am not philosophizing that all change is good, this, that, or the other. i am simply saying that so often i forget that even in the face of change i have a choice.

i have a choice to fear, to bring down, to conquer, to accept, to be vulnerable, to ignore. i have all these choices. and yet i think we so often just fall into the negativity that change can bring or the dread.

the canyon is a peaceful place for me. it is a place to stop, breath, and collect myself. to remind myself that i am a part of the family of things. that i too am change. on any given day, my colors change too. some days more red is revealed and other days more gray.

i had such a wonderful time getting to know my cousins in an even more intimate way. the canyon draws that out in people. i was able to connect with them on a level i am not sure i have before. we had fun, laughed, were exhausted, and were silent. i love sharing something that means so much to me with others. it is a revelation of a part of me that i am not sure everyone gets to see.

it was another blessed grand canyon experience.

missions

yesterday a colleague and i drove south to go to a conference. we were accepted a few months ago to participate in a Sonora Field Study. we have the opportunity to go to Sonora, Mexico for four days and visit classrooms there in order to gain a better understanding of the mexican education system and the culture behind education there.

as many of you know i work at a school with a high immigrant population and latino population. this kind of experience is invaluable to my understanding of how these students and families perceive and value education. again, it is not about rights and wrongs it is about points of view, the way you are raised, your religious experiences, the expectations of family and culture, and so much more.

missions.

it is my mission as an educator to understand these cultural ties. to understand them and not take them away from students in order to assimilate them completely into the united states point of view. although many might see this as a vital part of education, it is not one that i hold- at least not explicitly. i am a part of that assimilation process rather i like it or not, but i try to open my classroom community to the space of differences and understanding. tolerance some call it.

before the conference i went to one of padre kinos missions south of tucson. although missions have a mixed and not always great reputation, i find there is much in those spaces to think on. they too were part of a great assimilation practice by europe and spain to convert those "pesky natives" to proper christians. however, i think this too cannot be simplified into rights and wrongs.

what i found fascinating is the incorporation of the to'hono odom people and christianity. instead of completely wiping out any trace of who these people are, you will find subtle instances inside the mission of their presence. i am not in anyway promoting the assimilation or annihilation of culture, it happened. i am however attempting to understand the clash of two or three distinctive cultures. it happens still.

the workshop i went to was incredible. we discussed economic and political issues that impact education in mexico in order to understand the complexities of the system. when we go to mexico in a few weeks, we will be visiting several different classrooms, a technical school that works on an oyster farm, and the seri community in punta chueca. we will also visit altar which is a major staging point for migrant coming across the border.

these are issues of humanity. first and foremost these are not political issues, economic issues, or religious issues. these are conditions of being human. of breathing. of wanting what it is that you think will make you and your family whole. yes all things are integrated and political, economic, and spiritual. all wrapped into one intricate beating heart. yet, we cannot forget or deny the fact that we are all human. all trying to live out our own missions, good intentions and all.

i can't wait for this experience. i can't wait to move past romanticizing it. to see past what people want you to see but into the depth of the reality and beauty of a different way of living.

i know more will come of this.
i feel it in my bones.

mental strength

for the past year i have been dragging my body out of bed at 5:00 in the morning three times a week to go to a spinning class (riding a stationary bike like you are really riding up to Snowbowl). it is a great workout and a great start to my day. i usually arrive at school hyper and bouncing around my classroom. my students look at me like i am crazy, especially on mondays.

yesterday during the middle of the fifth time around of an eight minute ride, the instructor said something that i am still thinking about today. she asked (really she yelled it breathlessly) "how is your mental strength?" She continued with "not just right now, but during the day, during work, during your time with loved ones...how is your mental strength?"

that really got me thinking. how is my mental endurance? when i am at school, i can tell when i am fatigued physically and mentally because words come out of my mouth that i don't mean. i get mentally tired of dealing with things and so i become cranky or frustrated more easily.

this morning when i woke up, i asked my mind how it was feeling today. groggily it replied, well okay but i've been better. these are strange months for me. january and february last for a long time. there are fewer breaks at school. the stress of state tests that determine if you actually taught something this year gets overwhelming at times. the kids and i are cooped up inside more because it is too cold for outside recess. these are long months. i think i have always felt that way, even as a kid.

so this morning after i checked in with my brain, i made a mental list of all the things that keep my mind from giving in to the doldrums of repetition and monotony. i am reading a good book, i am writing more, i am staying active during the days, i am eating good food, i am sleeping well at night, and i get to see some family soon. i laugh almost everyday. my mind felt better already.

it is hard to extract one piece of me from the rest. so when i am mentally strong, i tend to be physically, spiritually, and emotionally stronger. i tend to persevere and hold out a little bit longer. and my students seem to notice it too.

the question is... how do i relate that to my students? how do i motivate them or help them to remain mentally strong? especially during these times of testing and monotonous tasks.

i will think on it.