summer loving

" that which is oldest is most young and most new. there is nothing so ancient and so dead as human novelty. the 'latest' is always stillborn. it never even manages to arrive. what is really new is what was there all the time. i say, not what has repeated itself all the time; the really 'new' is that which, at every moment, springs freshly into new existence. then newness never repeats itself. yet it is so old it goes back to the earliest beginning. it is the very beginning itself, which speaks to us." - thomas merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

it is the very beginning itself, which speaks to us.

i like that.
i like it a lot.

beginnings signify something unknown to me. and sometimes unknowns are scary. and yet the fact that the unknown is what speaks to me over and over again is somehow reassuring. don't ask me how, i am not sure.

i am somehow comforted by the fact that what is new is really just something old. it makes me feel like i can tackle new challenges and not be alone. it makes me feel a part of the family of things.

today is a beautiful day with the promise of more beautiful days to come. i sat in the patch of sun my window let in today for a good thirty minutes before the sun made it's progress and no longer shined directly in my house. it felt so nice to feel it warm my back. i just sat there in the silence and let it warm me.

i am ready to go to the pool. i am ready for warm days, barbecues, and the sounds of summer. perhaps due to my beginning (being born in the summer), i have always felt something special about this particular season...and not just because i don't work the whole summer. i like the food, sounds, music, activities, and coatlessness (cool made-up word) of summer. it is what i come back to.

my whole self screams today... i am ready.

war on stress

do you ever have those moments where you feel so lost in the craziness that you don't know how to put it into words, to vocalize it. it makes it more real. and although i know writing would help, sometimes i just have to let things be. i have to let them sink in.
breath in.
breath out.
get up in the morning.
get the job done.

i think i can do this because i know that at some moment i will break through just getting by and be able to vocalize it.

life has been a little stressful and it has taken all my energy not to let that stress overtake me. i am proud to say that at this moment, stress may have won a few battles but i am winning the war.

i have once again received a Reduction in Force letter which is a really politically correct way of saying... guess what...we don't have money, so you may not have a job starting in June. now, we are only giving you this letter to cover our backs cause we might have a little more money than we thought but we aren't sure. so in june we are going to deposit your last pay check and then we will see. your benefits will end too. but we will see. this has happened every year i have taught but this year it seems a little bit harder due to the fact that nine percent of the U.S. is unemployed.

it is kind of a daily battle to be grateful for the wonderful things i have, to save up enough money for at least three months rent, to live daily with the knowledge that cut backs are most definitely needed. in reality, i am doing just fine. i am probably faring better than most people. i have support, i have people who believe in me, and i have a job until june. i am a creative person who can think of ways to make a living and who has the resources to do so.

i also have a plan. it's called move to a beach in mexico and live in a shack plan. hey all options are viable at this time.

i am concerned about the health of a beloved grandmother, i am facing the realities of mortality in loved ones, worried slightly about members of my family without employment, and the stress added by the dreaded standardized tests.

a friend says that stress comes from wanting to control something that we can't possibly have control over.

well lets see. death...nope, no control there. unemployment of loved ones. nope. and Arizona Instruments to Measure Standards. Definitely no control.

So i asked myself this morning. how do i deal? how do i get up every day and be okay.

i go to spin class with my good friend dana. we look at each other, tired as all get out at 5:30 in the morning and we add load and sweat.

i play yahtzee and escoba with justino and learn how to play futbol.

i read great books from friends.

i laugh with my students and make funny faces.

i go to yoga and try new poses.

i sing phantom of the opera at the top of my lungs in the school hallways.

i ride my bike.

i look at the wall with icons, gifts from friends, african purses, necklaces, reminders of the camino, necklaces my kids made me. i smile.

i go dancing.

take late night walks with justino.

talk to my mom on the phone a lot...sometimes every few minutes...just to say one thing and then to hang up. only to remember something and call again.

call grandma to chat.

wear jewelry that reminds me of people i love and who love me.

i take pictures.

ignore the check engine light on my car.

go to my efm class.

eat cheap but good homemade mexican food from mi novio.

talk to my nieces and nephew on the phone.

make oatmeal dinner rolls.

eat popsicles.

lay on the couch and fall asleep in the sun.

so needless to say. this is my way of reminding myself that i am winning. that despite the difficulties of this time. stress does nothing but make me sick, freak me out, cause me to eat junk food, later regret it, eat more junk food for feeling regretful in the first place. it is a vicious cycle.

i am okay.
i have an abundance of gratefulness.
i have an abundance of love.
i have abundance. period.

i leave you with one of my favorite prayers from the compline service in the book of common prayer:

keep watch, dear lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for your love's sake. Amen.