a trip into the past

"you have not been singing lately." commented one of my students this week. "why?" she asked.

good question. my students have a way of asking meaningful and thought provoking questions.

dang it.

for a great while i have been avoiding parts of my past. i have neglected to honor that part of myself that found beauty in things that now i find slightly repugnant. for example, certain genres of music.

i listened to a genre of music that i have found particularly distasteful in recent years. in order to reconcile myself, i took a long drive a week ago late at night down a pine tree laden road. the sky glowed orange from the lights and snow fall and i looked out over a great expanse of nothingness. there are no street lights on this road, and at first it was exciting. later fear like most things took hold.

fear of being alone.
fear of being in a silent space.
fear of being open to a part of me that i haven't let come out and play for a long time.

living in an apartment has its downfalls because there is something about singing at the top of my lungs that is a release for me. i am sure my neighbors disagree, because of this i rarely sing in my home. so in my car, i sang. loud, slow, fast, off key sometimes. the lyrics came back quickly and my mumbling turned into the flow of verses.

as i sang songs and changed cds, i caught myself saying "i don't believe in these lyrics at all. i don't live my life that way anymore." i tried to let this go and just sing the beautiful melodies and listen to the heartfelt sincerity of the artist.

i realized that in that moment, alone in my car, i didn't have to agree. i needed to sing. i needed to sing beautiful melodies. i needed to allow that release to take place. i didn't need to justify my singing those particular songs or even like them. i just needed to sing.

after many minutes of darkness and lyrical being, i pulled off the road to turn around. the pine trees were gone, and in the deepest sense of darkness, i looked out over what i knew to be a lake. i really couldn't see much of it at all. cloud cover blocked the moon and stars but i knew it rested out there.

it is a lot like parts of the path i have walked. i can't see it well, it is rather undefined, and yet i know it is there. i sense its presence like the calm waters of the lake. it is dark and mysterious and a little scary, but a part of who i am, a part of the journey that has led me to the now.

i think the past cannot be completely discarded or forgotten. it can be a lot of things including forgiven, but not forgotten.

these lyrics still have much to tell us of who we are, and who we are becoming. i think we are most at peace when we accept the undefined mystery of our path and be who we are, who we have been created to be.